courtney

seewhyduh @ 2009-07-19T00:51:00

2009-07-19T04:51:38Z

It wasn’t the way I fell or the fact that we climbed that places walls,
It wasn’t holding your hand for a second,
It wasn’t watching ants crawl into the places of our, your final words to me,
It wasn’t being beaten by the sun,
It wasn’t the glaze or lift,
It wasn’t the blur,
It was and is still our life that is falling apart.
You couldn’t be sorry for that, you’re only angry
Just tell me that, not this.
I don’t have enough to talk to all of you,
You should know though that,
Someday I will stop walking and I will miss you.
I don’t want to remember you,
It is a world and year of pain I won’t avoid.
I will stop walking and forget you.
Enough to remember you and how I
Never treated you well.

seewhyduh @ 2009-06-04T18:20:00

2009-06-04T22:23:15Z

It would be so nice if you glanced at this.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/courtneywhy/
[or just click the picture]

-Courtney

seewhyduh @ 2009-05-25T14:11:00

2009-05-25T18:11:13Z

Your hair still crosses the back of my head sometimes
I never let it drown me the way we know it could
I've got a fear I'll talk to you now the way you never should.
No, I still can not stay concentrated, still can’t conduct a rhyme.
Remember that your side that is bigger than the other
Is the same as mine, and I think of it when I use a pen
Writing a professional plea, sometimes a sentence comes out about how you were back then
Seventeen weeks past and I was an unfamiliar figure to your brother
It’s a heart flame, she knows,
Caught a bad habit, learned from the hurt I gave to you.
You wouldn’t try the cross I slipped on your wrist; these days, now would you?
In love now but my vision still waits for the cracks I made to show.
If time could heal my shit, I would be bigger and better
Than your weight could ever have accomplished
But I am not; I am looking smaller than before, looking famished
And isn’t this the in thing, to never get better, to remember your name to the very letter.
No here’s something new for the masses
One person who hurts enough to feel entitled
Is it so impossible for you to think we may have settled?
But if he thinks I can’t swim through now, his perfect eyes have lost their glasses.

_____

2009-05-10T17:46:35Z

The men to whom I still suffer are moving in my legs
And those men who do not crush me,
Warn me,
‘What if this left you?’
But a joke it feels like because this white stony ground
Or the milky music here,
Doesn’t look like it might leave
To keep me from leaving, touch my face when I sing
And take my hand in a gentle way
You are my best friend so please don’t ever make me suffer.
Maybe I have nothing left but an itch on your shoulder.

good god

2009-04-28T19:45:38Z

There is this intimacy that, over the past, how ever long it’s been, I have only been able to find in myself. And so with that, I take no shame in using my self as a canvas. But I do long to show many things that are extremely personal and uncomfortable to act out or say or do after the fact. I have love for these moments; it is apart of whom I am inside that I like. I stand by self sometimes to watch and it’s never old to see the eyes, the backs, the fingers. On a level headed plane, I am frustrated. The feeling is more that I am stuck than uninspired, stuck in something. Sometimes if I let go, I know I will hit something eventually but it’s just that when I do so and I hit to most divine thing, I look at the clock and it is many hours later than when I was released. I would like for the criticism or the trivializing to give me strength to drive harder, but I am forever the one who is weak. I could leave, I could stop, that’s how much it can hurt sometimes, make me want to sever the only real link I have to my mind.
________________________________________________________
Still am I when I can see your words leave your mouth.
The diamonds of water that leave me,
Are inexpensive at best.

seewhyduh @ 2009-02-09T16:18:00

2009-02-09T21:21:38Z

For most of this decade I've been sweating under lights
But I've tried
I've tried again,
And another time
And now I've let my audience simply go.

You do something about your self, and the way you are, and you get nothing. You end up making a meal of no more.

The past 8 months have been really ridiculous and I look back and can't believe it really. I threw my self away. I threw my self away because I wanted the thrill of heart break I guess, but it wasn’t thrilling or exciting. It just fucked with my body and my common sense.

-Courtney

seewhyduh @ 2009-01-29T15:43:00

2009-01-29T20:53:30Z

I lived the first day of the New Year performing in front on audience I would regret.
I lost my soul in your exhausting river.

I have no been good lately. The shallowness of the average person has been thrown in my face.

seewhyduh @ 2009-01-05T18:40:00

2009-01-06T02:31:01Z

The road gets louder and the night time’s won
The sun gets higher and my heart starts to run
I can’t tell you everything, but I can tell you this one story, twice

The west is sinking every single day
I would call you from a pay phone, but I've gotten nothing to pay
The rate on acting impulsively is an unsteady increase but on none the less

The economy is falling on us and the birds
I get a little more scared with every song that he learns
You can’t be hateful yesterday and indifferent today, she’s too drunk on absense to have changed you that much.

Cutting in never felt so hard as it does now
But today you are smiling just as loud
Even as I know we’re mad and falling from the cliffs of safety, I can not cut the danger.

seewhyduh @ 2009-01-02T13:26:00

2009-01-02T18:26:53Z

I am alright with you being confused
I am hurt by you being Greedy.

seewhyduh @ 2008-11-20T18:10:00

2008-11-20T23:14:18Z

I'm tired at 6 o'clock midnight.
My rough, rough, weeks end at 6, i hope.
There isn't shit to say for the swollen irritation from that rough
Six six deca-triumphant.
Vegetarians eat turkey at my empty house in the rough
My life is smooth and far from six.

seewhyduh @ 2008-09-11T21:11:00

2008-09-12T01:11:08Z

The birds, those birds don’t love me anymore
They fly away in my sleep and daze; you were all I was looking for
In my half sleep I see fall outside, and the leaves orange or gone
More orange than they are, further gone than they will be for long
It is easier to live in a bad time long before it will be there
In my awake I still see greens but I know September brings the times you’re not here
I can’t say goodbye to the birds you gave me, they leave me so fast
Flying in flocks as pretty as the rest.

seewhyduh @ 2008-09-09T17:10:00

2008-09-09T21:13:01Z

I miss you on occasion when i breathe and when i look at the walls and when I read my history book and when I laugh.
And when i walk by your house, I only remember you.

seewhyduh @ 2008-09-01T22:06:00

2008-09-02T02:08:29Z

You know me
Over and over again, you keep on knowing me
Every wind that blows me down
Is your familiar ground
You didn’t call during those four days
Really makes you look darker,
I’m thinking that maybe I am your fool after a month
Most likely I’m your fool
You touched me with your aggressive lips and hands, knowing me as fool
Which sends me on a thought train saying:
‘He doesn’t know me so well; I wouldn’t ever raise someone’s hell like that’
You don’t know me…
But I would.
Lord knows I've thought of it, with these new nights under my belt,
Who knows what I'll actually carry out,
With a little bit of ‘done worse’ in me.
You know me every night,
The ones when you don’t call
When you’re drunk
And I don’t know you at all.
It is simply impossible to know someone with a
Star galaxy blanket of inexperience fogging your eyes.
The way that green light tints a fog on your blinds, I know you’re not there
I thought you would be here,
I’m not waiting another 11 months to be your fool again
That almost my whole life
I’m howling with your damp absence.
Would you rather sit on the porch of life, with someone you are so in love with, sitting right with you
Or be led through a dark chocolate life with only a lukewarm to hold to?
No it’s a question for me
I want, I want to take the love on the porch, the together experience, so smooth
Oh I want to answer with the prior so badly,
What God never told you,
That hand had things in the palm,
His hand had pastel paints, biting love, positive theory, dirt for fire,
An in touch universe,
Grass, his hand had drugs
We aren’t talking about the scar; it is always your choice
When I eventually beacon you back,
My love will try to be immaculate
Clean of porches and poor use of the park
Maybe then I can listen to your song for me,
Maybe then I'll let your scar go.

more i dont knows

2008-08-21T18:21:19Z

yesterday max and i took a break because I'm fucked up.

He says that I'm not a bad person.

I also applied to tinyrockets, I'd like to say that no matter how self confident you are, applying to tinyrockets is a really bad experience.

WHO KNEW

2008-08-17T16:13:14Z

I COULD BE THIS HAPPY WHEN I HAVE SUCH REALLY TERRIBLE BAD SECRETS INSIDE OF ME BUT FUCK I FEEL GOOD.
i feel so fucking good and its all because of looking at everybody elses facebook pictures while listening to greg laswell. greg laswell does the most amazing things to me. does it sound like i'm having an orgasm a little bit? i'm not. I'm really in a weird mood... oh, uh that just ended i'm not that happy anymore.

...w.e.

charlie has two exhange students in his house, one is from germany and is a ginger like my boyfriend, his name is paul. and then other is from switzerland and his name is phillip, he isn't a ginger. I'm probably never going to talk about 'my boyfriend' btw sorry. I've been seeing glenna and charlie a lot more now, and it makes me more happy than anything has in a really long time. oh god i miss everything.

the olympics, obv.

aaaaahah charlie hates me.

thats it.

LOTAZ

2008-08-15T22:07:23Z

i'm going to post a shit ton of pictures y'all. i stole that y'all phrase from geoff, idk i dont think it works for me, i'm not going to say it again.
I'm going to lj cut this because i'm not a bitch

I've been watching the olympics every night. That means i've been staying up until at least 1:30, most of you don't really know me but thats just not what i do. I don't think staying up late is really that cool cuz i like sleep. yeaaaah, i saw my boyfriend yesterday.

lol idk all the seen heads is funny to me. probably not funny to you.

it was hannahs decision to walk through there...

we are fucking weird, but i guess no more weird than you think you and your best friend are.

boyfriend.

thats not okay.

i'm ugly. i was just imitatin carrie.

they both like to touch their glasses. those are acutally my glasses that max is wearing, dont worry.

marco rivas

david has nice hands.

but they hurt him

i love bitches.

allan is a baby

heyyyyy chris

the guy in the blue hat is a male figure sk8r. they was drunk asses.

seewhyduh @ 2008-08-07T14:51:00

2008-08-07T18:58:38Z

For long years now I've walked in front of people habitually
Faster than, not in front of.
But today I am fed up with the waiting I do at the place I've come to
The glory of being ahead is not so great as the dread of waiting
To walk with my current partner in rhythm and distance, what will that be like?
I can’t decide, these loves are pulling two ways,
I instead will sit here with the lead in my body pulling me two ways
It is my fault for wanting to do more than I have taught myself to do yet.
Sic transit Gloria mundi
Sic transit Gloria, Gloria.

you can always be different it you're first.

seewhyduh @ 2008-07-30T11:07:00

2008-07-30T15:09:11Z

I’m a pirate
I’m on that ship for nothing except to talk to it’s pirates
Pirates, know, know the reason anyone is a pirate
Is to talk to all the other ones who had to be pirates
Because pirating is the only way to go
For us people with no other path still open.
I’m here to sing out the loss and get mother fucking rich.

what the fuck. You all know dying is going to be better than this shit.

seewhyduh @ 2008-07-04T12:00:00

2008-07-04T16:02:51Z

"I don't"
"Courtney, i thought the idea was to get better!"

Oh, I apologize for not playing tennis every other day besides this holiday. Oh shit, I do. fuck you mother bear. I'll stay on this damn computer as long as i mother fucking want.

seewhyduh @ 2008-07-02T13:36:00

2008-07-02T17:36:40Z

i can't be around anyone.

seewhyduh @ 2008-06-16T17:10:00

2008-06-16T21:11:38Z

thats how my summers been. I've been wearing those pants now for almost 3 days. Thanks julia, i'll return them eventually i guess. i got a headache from all the socializing. I went shopping and got some shit.

seewhyduh @ 2008-06-13T14:08:00

2008-06-13T18:26:31Z

Now, it’s more a matter of
Want to, have to, need to,
I need to tell you that it doesn’t feel like it has lasted nine months, because I really haven’t fought that much
I want to tell you that I have realized, that I hope that you and your weed are together forever, and that because of her, you’ll be alone with her. For good.
I have to tell everyone about the way the name Alex has lassoed around me, how many guys, girls, and characters have entranced me starting only with the name that they write in the upper right hand corner, always.
How big that number really is.
I should, that’s a new one.
I should start telling you now that it’s all going to be 2 foot deep lust and that I’m sorry
I’m sorry I would only give you two feet of what I have reserved to feel for someone else,
I guess this is the randomness of life.

i will be adding on to that little bit through out the summer.
yesterday was the last day of school, it was sweet.

seewhyduh @ 2008-06-08T17:49:00

2008-06-08T21:49:36Z

thers not valid reason or way for me to say that i miss you.

kill me.

seewhyduh @ 2008-06-01T12:43:00

2008-06-01T16:48:07Z

i think, that i've never felt so good, sad, horrible, grateful, sorrowful and just in awe at one time. this weekend my tennis team went to states, and it was really... so many things. Kelly my doubles partner have had one of the best season anyone can really ask for, we were very succesful. We got to the finals at states which is good and i'm proud of us, more proud of myself than i've ever been, but we lost. I know what i feel but i don't know how to say any of it. This probably means nothign to you but tennis is my life. 9 years, and i'm finally proud. Thank you Kelly, i love you for so many things. Thank you all, all 15 of you for so many things.

i'm dying.

nrrh

2008-05-27T01:43:56Z

no clue how long i will hold on to the feeling of swinging on the swings with my dad. daddy. he was so young when he laughed, oh, i can tell this might hurt.